I am blessed. I have two very specific blessings that consume my life right now. And I love it. If ten years ago I had seen a movie of my life the way that it is today, I don't think I would have understood it. In fact, I probably would have been downright depressed. And yet, I love my life. I love cooking, making a nice home, being Doug's wife and mommying. I especially love that. The past year for me has been one giant question mark. The most distressing thing about my health problems this year had been attempting to determine God's will for the size of my little family. It's why I questioned and put off my surgery, it's why I opted for a myomectomy that brought a gigantic scar across my abdomen rather than an "invisible" hysterectomy; it's why I always hope that I am miraculously pregnant in spite of the hell and danger that is pregnancy for me; it's why I made this blog, http://www.buildingaforeverfamily.blogspot.com/ ; it's why I allowed myself to be rejected by two potential birth-moms; it's why I'm agreeing to retake the state courses for foster to adopt certification; it's why I've inquired about international adoption. All of these things done out of a desire to have more children. But none of them have really worked out yet. And every minute my kids are getting older. I can't MAKE myself have enough money to adopt through a private agency or internationally. I can't MAKE birthmoms think my family is the right fit for their baby. I can't MAKE my body work. I'm not in control.
And I've wondered if I will ever have more or if I am to be content with what I have. Because what I have is great.
Yesterday, I told Doug that I was going to try the idea of not having any more children and that I was going to stop letting it consume my daily thoughts. I was going to picture my future as it was. We talked about how I would write books, (because I love writing), volunteer more at the school, (because I'm a busy-body), get my real-estate license, (because I'm a kick-a salesman), and spend hours and hours working on family history, (because that's what I do for fun). I would read more, go to the gym every day, have lunch with my friends, join some sort of women's guild. I pictured fancier vacations, more lessons for the girls, more money for their college, more of everything that we would have with only two kids. I pictured my freedom from the baby years. I have to admit, it was a nice picture. So nice in fact, that I was able to hold on to it for a good thirty minutes.
Then I read an online article about motherhood. I wanted more kids. Then my nephew Henry came for a visit. I wanted more kids. Then I listened to a Christmas song about motherhood. I wanted more kids. Then I watched my amazing husband playing with the baby. I wanted more kids.
I WANT more kids.
Do you think we chose our trials, as some people say? I don't think so. I think we knew our Earth life would have "trials", but we couldn't really understand what trials were or what it would be like to have our eternal perspective shaded from our vision. But if we did choose our trials, then I obviously chose this one before knowing the sweetness of being a mother.
Some say, I'm not being grateful for what I have. I disagree. I think I'm saying "God, I love what you have given me. I love this life. Please let me have more of it."
When comes the point where I let go? When do I just turn it over and say I've done all that I can do; if God wants me to have more children, he's going to have to make it happen? See, I'm not good at that. I believe that if you want something in your life, you have to go after it and make it yours. The lyric from one of Michael McClean's cheezey songs (that I love) says, "Which part is mine, and God, which part is yours? It gets so confusing sometimes, should I do more or trust the Divine? Just tell me which part is mine and which part is yours."Not knowing is like a slow sort of heartbreak. If I could just know...
7 comments:
I agree with what you've said! It's tricky to know answers and sometimes I just wish an e-mail could be sent my direction. Somehow the not knowing exactly what makes it easier. It's the wondering that consumes and make times frustrating.
I often wonder if the saints crossing the plains asked God how much further? Did they think to themselves that if they just knew it was 40 miles more or several hundred then they'd at least know and they'd have something tangible to work with?
Keep praying... keep listening. It's not easy when what you want is truly righteous and good. How wonderful it is to have children and be mom.
Don't listen to voices of the world. They will only cloud His words and make your mind and ears confused.
oops it's the not knowing exactly what that makes it harder! (not easier) If we knew what the outcome was somehow we'd figure out what to do.
DUH-- LeShel silly typer
LIVE each and every minute of today with ALL that you have. Laugh, sing and bring joy,and accept joy.
Pray for all the tomorrows and God will make them His plan and you will accept His plan and have LOVED every minute of your today's.
Sounds easier than it is.
I KNOW with all my HEART it WORKS!
All of us have trials and heartaches and even with four living children and my Anthony in Heaven I wanted more. It was not physically possible. I was angry and bargained with the Lord, "if I do this then will you do this, let me have more children". I was miserable and had to let it go.I had to surrender to His plan and have a hysterectomy.
I went to a post-hysterectomy class and there where woman of all ages. Some with 12 children, some with none. One woman was 78 years old, some where not even married. We were all mourning the loss of an ability we dreamed of doing and could not longer do again. We felt we were not even women; just ITS! It seems so crazy and yet it is what we were told our purpose was and we had no more purpose. Each of us had to learn that we were still mother's and that God had many other plans for us. Great plans and things to be discovered and lessons learned to make us stronger for what we would face in the tomorrows of our lives.
I love you! You are in a process and you will find your way out and once again be joyful and full of peace and promises of tomorrows, Whatever they may be.
You are a mother, daughter, writer, sister, wife, aunt, friend and most of all a daughter of God and he loves you and will bless you!
May you be able to find the comfort and knowledge to bring contentment into your heart and soul. ♥♥♥♥♥♥
This is my personal belief, that we didn't choose our trials, but that we were shown what our trials would be and the choice we had to make was whether or not to accept them and go forward. This meant putting our faith in Heavenly Father and the Savior, that in accepting our specific trials the rewards would make it all worth it.
Chris, I don't know what it's like to be in your position, but I do understand your drive to be a Mommy and I think that if it's meant to be, it will be, whether it is a biological child of your own or through adoption. Just like all things, we never know Heavenly Father's timeline and what He has in store for us. But I believe it is ALL in His hands and that He isn't forgetting you. What your part in it all is to keep doing what you are doing. Keep being an amazing daughter of God, don't lose faith in Him, and keep taking care of the precious ones He's entrusted to you so far just the way you are. He knew they were the ones that only you could give what they need.
I know it probably doesn't help much, but I know a couple who has struggled with similar issues of not being able to have any children and being rejected by birth parents for adoption placement for over 9 years now.
:)
It will be okay! Everything will be okay! However things work out and whenever things work out you will be given the usual gift of perfect hindsight and you will understand the Lord's time.
And, I am sure when that time arrives and the hindsight is given that you will be a powerful advocate for all the lessons you have learned along the way.
I love you!
Beautifully written. Though our roads diverge our intentions are the same. We want to be the best possible person that God has created us to be. I know you feel that there is MORE in your life, because there is, be it children or experiences unfulfilled as of yet. The experience of you traveling your road will be rich and sometimes it will feel like dead ends are littering your way. But when you reach your destination with loved ones in tow (however many that will be) you will have walked His path and lived life to its fullest. I admire your desire to not sit and wait for life to happen to you. I wish I had the answers. Oh, how I wish...I know He does though. And I know He loves you.
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