Content, Part II

Be careful what you write. One year ago tomorrow I wrote this post entitled Content. And I was. I really was. A few weeks later, my perfect little life seemed to implode a bit. We lost a loved one, we sold and therefore lost our house, we lost our neighborhood and the close association with our friends, I lost my positions in the community, we lost our callings, I lost my health but the worst thing lost was the feeling of peace that I had developed. I've often referred to that post as the post that tempted fate. For the past year I've been in a constant state of unease. When we lived with my in-laws I thought it was because we were intruding on them. When we found a perfectly lovely house I thought it was because it wasn't my dream house. While at church I thought it was because we didn't know anyone. All the while my iron was a such a low point that I was nearly admitted to the hospital and was put on emergency weekly iron treatments. I was diagnosed with a blood clotting disorder. I endured daily pain in my abdomen not to mention all of the problems associated with my tumor.

In November of last year I had a priesthood blessing from Doug's Grandfather. I specifically told him that I wanted to know about our housing situation. Where should we live? The blessing was not what I had anticipated. He mentioned nothing of our living situation. He instead focussed only on my health and my family. He said that I was very ill and that if I did not find out what was wrong I would not be able to "continue my sojourn on this earth" but that if I would take care of things, I would be alright. It was not what I expected. So much so that I was almost mad about it. It didn't even scare me at first. I felt like my well intentioned mother-in-law had told her Dad that she was concerned about my health and that he was blessing me with what she said, not what Heavenly Father said. This is hard to admit because it shows my lack of Faith.

I did agonize over what to do. Surgery, or no? Baby or no? Was something else wrong? I saw a bunch of doctors. They argued. I prayed about what to do and felt unanswered. (Funny that I felt unanswered when I basically took the blessing Heavenly Father gave me and threw it in his face.)

Throughout this year, It has NEVER even crossed my mind that my bad attitude and discontentment was directly related to my health. I just wondered why it seemed I couldn't be happy no matter what! Logically, my life was great. Why was I in a constant state of distress?

I'm three weeks into my recovery. Tonight I sat in the bath and I thought, "Wow, I am so thankful for this tub." This is a tub that I have complained about for 9 months saying things like "I hate this stupid, tiny tub, I want to go home to my own tub." (I know I'm a snot.) And while I sat in the bath I had an epiphany. I am content. Again. I feel hope.

In hindsight (isn't hindsight a great thing) I think that I'm not a spoiled brat! I was discontent because my spirit was anxious. That anxiety was seeping into every aspect of my life. Maybe this peace is a sign that I have taken care of what I needed to and now it's time to have my life back. I wish that I would have trusted Grandpa and Heavenly Father like last year's post bragged that I was so good at doing.

Perhaps I needed to be humbled and I was. Oh, I was. I've given a year to these horrible feelings.

Maybe now my spirit is at peace and I can be that girl I was a year ago. The one full of Faith and Hope; Love and Gratitude. I can't wait to start living again; to make a home in this house and neighborhood; to re-introduce myself to my friends, family and God.

I dream of what the future holds. I hope we'll be able to have another child or two in our home. I dream of serving my Heavenly Father. But I know that I will be happy, content and hopefully more trusting than I was before.