A big life lesson.

I've had another aha moment in my life and I thank God for it. I needed to learn this.

When I was a child, I honestly thought that I was one of God's favorite people. I thought that I was special and I tried to live my life that way. I was convinced of my divine nature and I felt integral to God's plan. I never doubted the spirit or my feelings. I never discounted them as "just me." I simply trusted that strong feelings came from God and I trusted myself. He and I were very close. My. Entire. Life. I've always stood with Him and with his son.

About a year prior to getting married I stopped feeling this way about myself. I started thinking that I wasn't one of God's favorites. And I stopped trusting myself. I started asking God to please tell me the answers. I told him that I would do what he wanted if he would just tell me what to do. I think there are several reasons I started feeling this way. I was dealing with some issues that I had, until that point, successfully compartmentalized. I made the decision to bring things to light and deal with them. These issues made me feel very small and dirty and broken. I also married into a family that I put on a pedastal. I labled them the "spiritual ones" and placed myself behind them. This was a happy, perfect family and I was broken. Being around them made me feel inadequate. I felt that I wasn't as close to God as they were; that I should defer to them in all things because I wasn't good enough. I had always been a spiritual giant and yet at that point I made myself very small and disconnected from God. Please note that I am saying that I did this to myself.

Through the years I have remained close to God, but I have taken myself out of the equation. I have BEGGED HIM for answers to EVERYTHING. I've felt he isn't answering me. I have wrestled with knowing the Holy Ghost; knowing when He is speaking. I've had feelings- strong ones, but have said, "He isn't talking. It's only me, It's only me."

About a year ago I made a decision that I knew was wrong for me. As I write I feel strongly to note that I am extremely blessed and that all gifts come from God and that I am SO THANKFUL for what I have, but this is the truth.

God doesn't care where I live. Not a bit. He cares that I follow the Gospel and that I do my best to be a good person wherever I am. He doesn't care if I live in a shack or in a mansion as long as I am devoted to him. No he does not care what house I live in...BUT...he cares about what I care about because he loves me. And he knew that I cared about what house I lived in.

We were living with John and Leila (who were wonderful) and I felt such pressure to relieve them of the burden that we were on them. So when Doug found this house and was happy about the price, location etc. I felt that saying yes to buying it was what I SHOULD do. When I walked inside the house I had an overwhelming feeling that no, this is not it. But I told myself to listen to my husband. I told myself that I was greedy for wanting a nicer house and that I needed to be content with this one. I ignored all feelings and went ahead. Doug gave me every opportunity to say no, but I chose to buy this house. In the following months other offers that we had placed on houses that I liked a lot more ended up coming through.

I've spent the last year being discontent here in this house. I keep trying to find out why because the house is more than adequate for our needs, I LOVE the area, I'm starting to meet people, but try as I may I don't love the house. I've even looked at other houses in my neighborhood and plotted how we could move ASAP. This isn't about size of house, status, location, any of those things. It's about the fact that I knew the choice I made was wrong.

I think I've finally figured out why I've been discontent. Last week I had this epiphany and ever since it's like a huge weight has been taken off of my shoulders and I can move on and be happy here. My epiphany is this: God has been speaking to me through my feelings for the past ten years and I haven't trusted Him.

I had the chance to move. God knew what was ahead. He knows me; what I like and dislike. He knew that if I would be patient I would be able to have a house that I LOVED at an amazing price. When I came into this house he told me, through my feelings, to wait. I ignored those feelings (God doesn't talk to me. He talks to spiritual people who are worth more than me) and deferred to my husband and others because I thought I wasn't good enough. The problem is that he wasn't speaking to them, he was speaking to me. I made the wrong choice and the window closed. I've been trying to break another window open to make up for not listening but it isn't the time. Maybe another window will open up someday. But now I've learned an important lesson and maybe I can trust myself again. In the mean time, he is giving me joy in my present.

The whole house issue seems so insignificant compared to the lesson itself. How sweet to remember that I AM one of God's favorites. I am divine in my nature. He IS telling me the answers through my feelings. He IS SPEAKING TO ME and those feelings that are mine are actually from Him and we are worth listening to.

Can you imagine how frustrated he must have been these ten years watching me struggle needlessly as I ignored the feelings he was giving me? It's going to be hard to go back to accepting my feelings as from Him when I have discounted myself for so long. It'll take practice. I am so grateful to have regained the self esteem needed to have this epiphany. I'm grateful for all the refining it has taken to get me here. I love so much of the person he has made in me.