An Undeserved Gift

Today was a bad mother day; one that I hope doesn't play itself back for me on some big screen hdtv as God decides whether or not I can enter heaven.

I've had such a hard time with Hailey since school got out. She is at her sister constantly in spite of their 4 year age gap. Also, she has begun to assert herself to me which makes me nuts. She also is forgetful and hard to motivate. It's been rough. And I've rolled my eyes, yelled, screamed and acted like a banshee of a mom. Ironic really, considering one of my favorite reprimands is to tell the kids "that is not an appropriate way to express your emotions."

Today, Hailey came in from swim team with broken goggles. She broke the new pair that I forced her to buy with her birthday money just last week because she lost the pair I had bought for her at the beginning of the season. She had been trying to tighten them and broke one of the straps. As she came in the door she was crying and petrified to tell me. I'm afraid I realized her fears. I carried on for a good while about how irresponsible she is. I basically broke her heart. The day went downhill from there...fast. And let's be honest, it wasn't just today. This has been escalating for weeks.

I think that sometimes because of my own upbringing I don't realize what a real child should act like and I demand more than is appropriate for her age. It isn't fair.

Now I'm not saying she's perfect, but she is a child and it is my job to mold and guide her with a calm and steady demeanor...and to be honest...I just haven't.

One thing that I have loved to do is to lie down at night before she falls asleep and ask her about her day. I do this every night, but the past few weeks the time I spend has gotten shorter and shorter. After thinking all day, I decided to really take time with her tonight.

And I was given the most beautiful and undeserved gift.

First she talked about normal little girl things. Then she sat up and with the most sincere and sad eyes said, "Mommy, I'm afraid that I'm not good enough for you and daddy." I couldn't believe it. My child is prone to the dramatic, sure, but as her mom I know when she is being sincere and this was it. It killed me. My actions had lead to my child's self-esteem being effected.

I took my girl in my arms and I explained that what she felt wasn't true. I admitted all of the ways I feel I have done wrong. I explained that I have asked too much of her. I told her that she was still responsible for her actions and mistakes, but that I too needed to be responsible. I asked for her forgiveness. She gave it. I then told her about what it was like to hold her as a baby and how much I have always loved her. I also told her that even though she is imperfect and even though I am imperfect, we are perfect for each other.

I then leaned her back into her bed on her side and wrapped her up in the curve of my body. It was then that the most warm feeling swept over me. It was so real it made me gasp. I closed my eyes and in my mind's eye I saw/felt my daughter as a woman with long, wild, dark hair. We were both dressed in white, and I was embracing her. I felt her spirit so strongly and felt in no way superior to her. In fact, I didn't feel like her mother, rather I felt like the lesser of the two beings. I experienced it for just a moment and then returned to holding my child with the warmest feeling. I felt little Hailey shaking and I whispered, "Do you feel that?" She said yes! After a few minutes she said that she can't wait to be baptized so that she can feel that feeling all the time. I smiled. She doesn't know how special that moment was, but at least she recognized the spirit. Then she said, "I want you to stay till I fall asleep."

I waited till her breathing was steady and left the room.

I came downstairs and dissolved into tears. Why would God allow me such a precious experience when I have been so very flawed as a mother lately? I went on the porch and asked to be forgiven. I thanked him for his Love and Mercy toward me. I thanked him for my daughter. I asked Doug to forgive me for not being the kind of mom that his children deserve.

And now, I'm going to forgive myself. Because if God can, I should be able to. May He give me a part of his Grace. May He share with me how to be Merciful. May he teach me to Love better.

Onward and Upward.

Tomorrow's another day.