I Love You is spelled D-A-F-F-O-D-I-L-S.

I'm having a trial with my health. It's been going for 6 years. It's lame. It ebbs and flows in its severity. It also ebbs and flows in my ability to deal with it and all that comes with it. Last week was kind of hard. Doug and I have had some serious talks and agreed to put all baby plans on hold until I get control of my constantly unraveling health. We made some plans on how to get me well. I had yet another priesthood blessing. This agreement with Doug was a hard agreement to make as another child is something I long for so much, but it wasn't his idea alone. For a few weeks now I've felt very strongly that God cannot bless me with an increase in my family or tell me how that increase is to occur until I am well enough to care for another person.

On Monday I saw my new Dr. and was diagnosed as officially infertile. I have Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome on top of thy myriad of other health issues I'm dealing with. On Wednesday DCFS called and said that they had a baby waiting for me at the Christmas Box house. Immediately, in my heart, this was my baby. I called Doug. I knew what he would say. I knew what I had agreed to. He said no, of course. Calling DCFS and telling them no broke my heart in two. I didn't want Doug to come home and listen to me cry about it. I didn't want him to feel guilty for simply going along with the plan we had both agreed to. Also, men don't get women's hearts sometimes. They don't understand how someone can utter the words, "we have a baby for you," and the woman can chuck all her carefully agreed to plans out the window.

So I needed to call the people who would understand... My mother in law listened to me vent and bawl. The next day I opened my garage and sitting on my back step were these beautiful daffodils and a sweet note of encouragement. In one of my favorite plays, "The Curious Savage", it is explained that the words I Love You can be expressed in many ways like, Take an umbrella, it's raining. In that moment I didn't see daffodils. I saw a woman outside in the rain cutting all of her newly bloomed daffodils to give to me. I saw her making time in her incredibly busy day to bring them and leave them for me to find. I saw LOVE!

In life there is heartbreak. Painful, overwhelming, soul crushing heartbreak.

But... There are also Daffodils.

Take an umbrella, it's raining.

If ye have done it unto the least of these by bretheren, ye have done it unto me.

all say...I love you.

I want to get better. I'm working hard to that end. I have faith that the end is in sight and that all of God's plans for me will be fulfilled. In the meantime... Thanks, to all of you who love me and for all of the ways in which you say it. I love you too.