If I had a million dollars...

If I had a million dollars…
I suppose that I’d buy breasts and braces to fix my lone crooked tooth; fake nails and a more fashionable wardrobe. And shoes. I know that I’d buy lots of shoes. (I dream of the Steve Madden Peep-toes I nearly bought in New York last week. I can feel their cool leather and see my pink toe peeking out of the black ruffles. Sigh. Regret.) I’d travel the world with my family and make lots of memories. I’d spend days drinking Pina Coladas at the spa. I’d redecorate with a lot of luxuriant art. I’d go on fancy dates and weekends away with Doug. I’d buy a beach house in Oregon to fix up and steal away there on weekends to write. Yes, I suppose that’s what I would do.

But these aren’t the things I really want.

The things I really want, a million dollars won’t buy. Mostly I want freedom: freedom from the past, freedom from a body that doesn’t work the way it’s supposed to; freedom from fear; freedom of spirit and mind; freedom from expectations; freedom from judgment; freedom from lies. Each one of these is a cord that binds me and even a million dollars isn’t enough to buy the scissors that would cut them. Ironic actually, that the scissors to cut the binding cords don’t actually cost anything at all. The method of getting the things I want is free and I know how to attain freedom. Knowing logically how to get something and having the guts to actually do it are two very different things. Freedom is mine for the taking if I’d just let go. So why don’t I then?

Why not just let go?