Faith, Trust, Pixie Dust

"...All you need is Faith and Trust...and just a little bit of Pixie Dust." Sir James Barrie.

I have a problem with Faith. I want to be faithful. I don't want to be full of fear but I am.

Tomorrow I will go in for Surgery. I have so many fears. Will I be okay? Will they find cancer? Will I wake up without a uterus? Will my tummy ever look okay again? Will my girls be okay? Will Doug be able to take care of everything? Will Libby still want to be held when I can again hold her in six weeks? Will I get fat sitting on my rear for six weeks? Will I say or do something humiliating while drugged? Will it hurt too much? Will I ever be able to have another baby? Will taking my monster tumor out be enough? But most of all, will I come out of surgery? Will I get to be wife to Doug and mother to these two girls? Do I get more time?

It all comes down to Faith and Fear. Logically, I tell myself what I know; that God has a plan for my life. That He is in charge. That He will take care of me and my family. That everything will end up just as it should. But that is Faith. Emotionally I am so worried. I guess it means I need to trust Him more.

It's amazing how all of my selfish ambitions and wants have dissipated over the past week. I don't want anything but what I have. I want my husband, the smell of his neck when he walks in the door from work and hugs me. I want Hailey to entertain me, to surprise me with her antics. I want Libby to give me rainbow kisses and stroke my face. I want to watch Doug read to the girls, wrestle with them. In the mornings I want to wake up to a little-girls-invaded bed as the first morning lights come in through my window. I want to be here with them.

God has always taken care of me. I've always been protected. I don't know why I'm so afraid. I could use that Faith, Trust and Pixie dust. But then my mind turns to Nephi in 2 Nephi. I feel just like him...

16 Behold, my soul delighteth in the things of the Lord; and my heart pondereth continually upon the things which I have seen and heard.
My soul DOES delight in things of the Lord and my thoughts are most often of an eternal nature.
17 Nevertheless, notwithstanding the great goodness of the Lord, in showing me his great and marvelous works, my heart exclaimeth: O wretched man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities.
Why do I sin by being full of fear?
18 I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily abeset me.
I am tempted to trust myself more than Jesus, more than the Father? I am easily tempted to fear.
19 And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted.
Nevertheless I too know in whom I have trusted. My heart is full of fear, but my thoughts and pleadings are turned to Him.
20 My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep.
Look at all that I have been through and yet I haven't sunk yet.
21 He hath filled me with his love, even unto the consuming of my flesh.
I've had more love than I deserve.
22 He hath confounded mine enemies, unto the causing of them to quake before me.
23 Behold, he hath heard my cry by day, and he hath given me knowledge by visions in the night-time.
24 And by day have I waxed bold in mighty prayer before him; yea, my voice have I sent up on high; and angels came down and ministered unto me.
25 And upon the wings of his Spirit hath my body been carried away upon exceedingly high mountains. And mine eyes have beheld great things, yea, even too great for man; therefore I was bidden that I should not write them.
26 O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath visited men in so much mercy, why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions?
My hope is that my heart will stop weeping and that I will stop lingering in the valley of sorrow. That I will be strong tomorrow.