Dreams

I've spent the past two days at Libby's dance recital.  I just loved it.  I cried through the whole thing.  Twice.  At Libby's dance studio they base their recitals on a chosen story.  At this recital the performance was based on the book "Dream" by Susan Bosak.  It was lovely and adorable and flawed and perfect.

The concert started with a film with this caption, "We asked every dancer to tell us her Dream..."  Beginning with the littlest girls the dancers shared their dreams.  "I dream of being a princess."  My dream is to be a mommy."  "I dream that I will find a fairy."  The dreams grow with the age of the dancers, "I dream of being a ballerina."  "I dream of dancing en pointe."  And then the oldest dancers, "I dream of being a professional dancer."  "I dream of bringing about world peace."  "I dream of being a veterenarian."  One by one these glorious little women shared their dreams. 

I was done for before it even began.

After the film goes to black, we see a lone trunk on the stage.  A little girl skips to it, opens it up to reveal scarves in many colors.  As she joyfully plays with the scarves the performances start.  Each performance focuses on a different color--another of the girl's dreams.  The little girl grows to adolescense through the performance, periodically dancing across the stage.  Then at the end, the ballerinas are dancing with the colorful scarves and part to reveal the trunk again at center stage.  This time an old woman dressed all in white walks onto the stage.  She opens the trunk and pulls out the scarves, each representing her dreams.  She clutches them to her breast, places them carefully back down, closes the trunk and sits atop the trunk as the lights fade to black.

Pretty powerful stuff for a dance studio recital.

It made me think of my own dreams and the role that I play in helping my children accomplish their own.  As I watched those little dancers sharing their dreams on film, I realized that all that mattered to me was allowing my daughters to follow their bliss.  They could have asked me for help in being anything in that moment and I would have said yes, oh yes, whatever you want.  The world is yours my little girl. 

I might just have to face the fact that for at least one of my children that might not involve anything to do with music or theatre.  It might involve a world I know nothing about.  I've been trying to convince Hailey to continue with musical theatre.  I know it.  I understand it.  She's good at it.  And, I get it for half price.  She made the performing company which is a fortune and goes to the studio 10 hours a week. 

But what if it isn't her dream? 

Right now she thinks she wants to be an artist, but if we don't continue with Musical Theatre company I don't know that she'll ever make the team again.  An Artist.  I don't know if it's because she thinks art will be so fun and musical theatre is hard or if her heart truly isn't there.  I think it's easy to think of the greener grass, which is, for her right now, art.  I tell her that if she wants to quit, she has to tell me on performance days.  (She loves performance days.)  You can't make your decision on the hard work days, I tell her.  Because I know what will happen.  She'll become involved in art and she'll realize that it isn't all fun either.  What happens when her art teacher makes her draw spheres for an hour a day for 3 weeks solid?  Hard work days.  Will she still want to be an artist or will she miss performing? 

But then again... 

I was in the tub thinking on this very thing a few weeks ago and the idea came to my mind, "What if you never get to see the glorious piece of artwork that could come from your daughter's hands because you were too busy forcing her into a talent that you understood?"

The environment that we Utah County mothers have created is an interesting one.  And by interesting I mean strange, competitive, high pressure and frustrating.  If we don't have our kids in an extra-curricular hobby by 3, they won't ever make the teams later in life.  When I was in high school we had lots of the football players in our school plays.  Now, you can only be in the school play if you are in the "performing company."  What is THAT all about?  My nephew wanted to swim in High School and even though his mom is a swim coach and even though he is an awesome swimmer he couldn't have competed on the team because there are a limited number of spots to compete and he's only done recreation swim team, not year round.  How is it that we have created an environment where you have to decide what you want to be when you are barely out of diapers?  In other words, the PARENTS are deciding.  What about that girl who starts dating a drama guy and decides she'll give it a try and ends up as a Theatre Professor at BYU with a doctorate in the subject.  That's my friend Lindsay by the way.  In today's world Lindsay would never be Dr. Livingston, theatre professor because her mom didn't have her in a performing group at age 3.  Lindsay was a swimmer who dated a drama guy and got into the school play.  The rest, as they say, is history.

So what do I do, raise a jack of all trades who will never be excellent in any one thing?  I myself am a jack of all trades.  I admit that being good at many things and excellent in nothing also comes with its drawbacks.  I never feel a true sense of great accomplishment.  I'm a little bit of a writer.  A little bit of an actor.  A little bit of a Yogi.  A little bit of a singer.  A little bit of a gym rat.  A little bit of a reader.  A little bit of a sports nut.  A little bit of a chef.  Etc. etc. etc.  I am easily impassioned and great at nothing.  It's a killer to the self-esteem.  However, I can talk to anyone and have meaningful and deep conversations.  I know a lot about a myriad of topics.  I may not have become an expert in any of them but I've studied the heck out of a great many things.  I have a love for life.  New things and supping bits and pieces from many wells is what I do.  Right?  Wrong?  I don't know.  Just me. 

I've been excellent before.  I was a truly excellent actor once upon a time.  It was my thing.  But I gave it up for a better road for me; for a cause I believed in.  I haven't felt that exhuberent joy of excellence since.

(Here, Doug points out that my perfectionism prevents me from experiencing the joy of the things I'm a little bit good at.  A point well taken.)

If Hailey were bad at Musical Theatre it would be easy.  But she isn't bad at it.  She shines.  How do I let her stop shining? 

With Libby it's a bit easier (so far).  She is a dancer.  She's always wanted to dance.  I've known since she was 13 months old dancing in rhythm at Hailey's dance recital.  She talks about dancing EXCLUSIVELY.  My gosh, the girl choreographs dances for heaven's sake.  I understand that world.  I can get behind it.

I'm a great (well, mediocre) debater.  I could argue either side.  I have this fear that my adult children will come to me and say, "I wanted to be _____but you made me be______."  Likewise I fear, "I wish you would have made me stick______out.  I could have been great."

Wisdom, anyone?