The birth story of Christian Hansen Gardiner

On April 30, at 6:58 a.m. I gave birth to Christian Hansen Gardiner. He weighed 6 pounds, 2 ounces. He was 18 inches long.  Years of waiting, special diets, surgeries, humiliating procedures, pleading prayers, revelations, Priesthood blessings, failed adoptions, specialists, energy workers, a terrifying and miraculous pregnancy.  He was the witness after the trial of my faith.

Monday
We arrived at the hospital at 5:30 a.m. I was really nervous! I make jokes and get overwhelmingly loud when I'm nervous. At the top of the elevator when we picked up the phone to gain admitance I yelled, "Good Morning! It's time to have a baby." The nurse laughed and buzzed me in.

Three nurses got me prepped for my C-Section. I was surprised at how fast it went. When you are giving birth the old fashioned way you have hour after agonizing hour to contemplate what is happening. Having a C-Section is extremely busy and not very peaceful. People are shoving things in your veins, looking at your private parts, thrusting forms at you to sign all while someone is rattling off the do's and don'ts of what to do after your surgery. It's not calm. The next thing you know, they whisk you away without your husband and you barely have time to freak out. Before they whisked, we snapped these pictures. 

We got into the operating room which interestingly enough is in front of windows without window coverings. I think they do this to give you yet another distraction from the fact that they are about to cut you open and remove a human being while you are awake! It's hard to think about that when the sun is rising through giant floor-to-ceiling windows while you are buck naked about to lie down on a two inch wide, cold, metal operating table. The anesthesiologist told me it was time for my spinal and I started to get scared. I asked my nurse to hold my hand while I leaned forward. Right after they sterilized my back, my sweet unborn baby was kicking me hard. I was able to pause and have a special moment in which I acknowleged that this was the last time in my life I would feel a baby kicking me. I said a quick prayer of thanks to God for allowing me to help Him in the Creation process; for allowing me to have babies. I focused in on the feeling of little baby feet under my ribcage and the fear went away. I focused on it until I went numb and couldn't feel him anymore. It was a sweet moment of mourning what would not be again. 

As soon as I had the morphine in my spinal I knew I was going to throw up. No one believed me. The anesthesiologist kept saying, "No, you just feel that way." He believed me after I turned my head to the left and threw up all over him. He was wiping the puke out of my ear when Dr. Jones came in, then Doug came in and they got started. I was sweating like crazy and so hot. It wasn't terribly painful, just uncomfortable. I kept eye contact with Doug as much as I could. My tears were falling into my ears. I couldn't hear what he was saying to me because they had a heat blower thing keeping me warm (even though I felt SO HOT). I couldn't hear Doug as I looked at him, but I could read his lips. He was saying things like, "You're doing great." and "I love you." It was really comforting. A couple minutes later I couldn't breathe. Dr. Jones said, "We're having a baby, lot's of pressure." For a few seconds I couldn't inflate my lungs at all; the pressure was so intense. And then, the cries. My sweet baby's first cries.

 A nurse said, "He's peeing." I asked them to pull down the curtain so I could see him. I saw him for one second before they took him to do their thing. Poor Doug was torn, but I told him to go to the baby. I sobbed audibly. My miracle son was here. And I felt so removed from him. The environment felt so clinical, unnatural. I know that angels were there, but I didn't feel the sacredness of the moment like I had hoped. It was such a strange environment.

Then they brought him to me and (the only thing that would go my way) I was the first person to hold him (with assistance).

 Then they were going to take him away. I told Doug to go with him, that I would be fine. So he went.  (Here are some pictures Doug took after his first bath!) 

A while later Dr. Jones said, "Christie, did you stop your blood thiners when you were supposed to?" "Yes," I replied. He then told me that under no circumstances was I to take any more blood thinners. (The original plan was to take them more in the hospital and for several weeks afterward.) I didn't know it at this time, but I was bleeding out. They said they were done and wheeled me out to a recovery room. I kept saying I was hot, but they were putting gowns and heat blowers all over me telling me that my temperature was extremely low and that I needed to keep them on. I couldn't see well and was really incoherent. A nurse came in with my baby and said that I had to feed Christian because his blood sugar was dangerously low. This is not how I pictured feeding my son for the first time. Where was Doug? I was shaking and had to have help holding him to my breast. He wasn't latching well. People were talking to me and it was as if they were the teacher from Charlie Brown, "Wah, wah, wah," was all I heard. I couldn't see clearly. I thought this was normal for a c-section and didn't know till later that it was the blood loss.

 From there on out I only have pieces of the day. I do remember trying to summon strength when the kids and our moms came to see us. I do remember the girls seeing their baby brother. Not as clearly as I'd like, but the memory is there. (Check out the color of my lips!)

 Later I would find out I had many visitors. I don't remember. I thought how odd it was that I felt this way as my friends had told me that I wouldn't feel very tired (compared to regular birth) with my c-section.

We had arranged that Doug would go home and get a good night's rest and help our moms take care of the girls. In the middle of the night I started to feel really poorly. I was scared.

Tuesday
Early Tuesday morning the nurse came in and told me that Christian and I were both in trouble and would probably both be headed to the ICU. My temperature was extremley low (I still felt hot) and my hermatacrit had bottomed out. I needed blood right away. Christian's blood sugar was poor. I literally looked dead. I have the pictures to prove it. I was scared. I called Doug and he immediately came to be with me. I was a mess. The nurse told me that they had decided to carefully monitor Christian and to give me blood in my room. If we improved, no ICU. As I tried to feed Christian and my poor body tried to even hold him unassisted, I started worrying about bonding. All day I waited for that bonding feeling to come and it never did. I thought he was amazing logically but I was emotionally disconnected. (It's comforting to me now to know how sick I was; that it was nearly impossible for me to connect to him because I was checking out of life.) People came to visit and I was a mess. I remember that people came but I don't know when and I know I was crazy. Later that day I got the blood. It was creepy to watch so I asked them to put a blanket over the blood. That night I started feeling so much better. I could finally see clearly! That night when it was time for Doug to leave I begged him not to leave me. I cried and cried. He said he'd stay, then I'd tell him to go home, then beg him not to go again. He must have felt so divided! After he was finally able to break free (wink) I was alone with Christian, but exhausted. They came and told me that I had no choice but to let them take him because I needed rest. They promised to bring him to me so that he could eat. When they did, it finally happened. The rush of love. The bonding feeling I was so worried about. He was amazing. For hours that night I stared at him and loved him. I counted his toes. I prayed aloud. I introduced myself. I thanked him for persevering; for demanding to be born. Skin to skin we both fell asleep and woke with the sunrise.

Wednesday and Thursday
I knew that the Dr.'s wanted me to stay till Friday because of Christian's blood sugar and my blood loss. We spent these two days with the sweet lactation consultants trying to get our little guy to be a champion nurser so that I wouldn't be forced to give him formula anymore. I had been devastated that they gave my baby formula but when it was the choice between formula and ICU, I choose formula! He finally got the hang of it! We spent time bonding as a family and visiting with Family and friends. 

Friday was supposed to be check out day.  I got up and dressed with exhilaration.  I got my tiny baby dressed for the first time.  I tried to make a video of him.  To tell him how I felt about him.  I couldn't even speak I was so overcome with emotion.

I was ready to go, but where was Doug?  He called to tell me that Libby had the stomach flu!  Oh my gosh, my worst nightmare.  Let's bring an infant home to the flu.  I gave Doug instructions to quarantine her and I waited.  He finally came.  We were going home! 

After almost a week in the hospital, I couldn't wait.  It was time to start my new life as a mom to three.  I was ready to go home where I could sleep.  As I was checking out the nurse said that I still wasn't maintaining my body temperature so to be very careful.  We got home and I'd never been so happy.  I was exhausted, but I felt great!  Happy, nausea free, full of anticipation. 

About an hour after I got home I started to feel really cold.  I assumed this was because I wasn't maintaining my body temp from the blood loss thing.  I took a shower and let it run till it was cold.  I was still shaking with the chills.  I had Doug warm blankets in the dryer.  Still freezing.  Then it wasn't just cold, I couldn't see again.  I was shaking and suddenly exhausted.  My sweet neighbor came to welcome me home and asked if there was anything she could do.  I asked her if her husband could come over and assist Doug in giving me a blessing.  During the blessing I got the distinct impression that something was very wrong.  I had the feeling that I needed to call my Dr. and that I needed medical attention.  Right after that I took my temperature and it was 104 degrees!

 I went to the hospital and told them they had exactly three hours to fix me before I had to feed my baby.  It quickly became apparent that I had a very serious infection.  My temperature got up to 106!  They started an IV and started pumping me full of antibiotics.  When three hours had passed the Dr.s hadn't decided yet what to do.  They suspected I had "childbed fever" (Google it.  It'll freak you right out).  I had Doug pull up to the back exit.  In my hospital gown I  took my IV off its pole, strapped on my tennis shoes and (meshy pantied bum hanging out) snuck out the back door to feed Christian in the car.  I thought I was pretty sneaky but a nurse came after me.  I explained that I couldn't bear to let my newborn have a bottle and she let me feed him.  Oh how sad I would have been if I had known what was coming; if I had known I wouldn't hold my baby or feed him for days!  I was drenched in sweat and shaking as I fed my baby.  Doug was scared, I was scared.  But when we were done I handed my baby back.  They checked me into the hospital where I spent 48 of the worst hours of my life.  The nurses said I was sobbing even in my sleep.  My sweet nurse, Consuelo, would come over and gather all my used tissues and chuck them, refill my water, and be generally sweet to me.  Everything in me ached for my baby.  The first 24 hours, they said, were touch and go.  The Dr. said that if I had waited one more hour to come in, I would be dead.  Thankfully, I had my mom and Doug who took turns coming to the hospital every three hours to get my breastmilk as I refused to let Christian drink a bottle.  They also discovered that my hermatacrit had once again gone into the dangerous range so I had a few more transfusions.  One of the most touching things happened at this time.  My ward gathered together and all fasted for me.  Here is a copy of the email that went out...

Hi Everyone,

For those of you who may not be aware, Sister Christy Gardiner is having some health issues. She is in American Fork Hospital having some tests run today. She's had a temperature of a 104 and has some sort of infection that they are trying to figure out. We have had multiple people in the ward reach out to them and they seem to be covered as far as help with food and the kids. The hometeachers and visiting teachers are aware and have offered help. Brother Gardiner believes all will be well and hopes to have her back home soon. He has accepted an offer for the ward to fast for Sister Gardiner. We all know the real power that accompanies fasting and prayer, particularly as we come together as a ward. This is a great opportunity to show our love and support for this great family. 

Will you please do your best to expeditiously reach out to those within your stewardships and extend an invitation to remember Sister Gardiner in their fasting prayers tomorrow?

Thanks very much for your support. 

The ward that had nursed me through eight months of partial to full bedrest now gathered together praying and fasting on my behalf.  I will never forget.

My mother deserves a medal for putting up with me.  I was a beast.  Doug held down the fort and babied my sweet baby his first days home.  When I think about missing this time my heart BREAKS. 

So, It didn't go the way I wanted it to.  But I think of what could have been and what is.  Here is what is:

According to the Dr.'s I wasn't supposed to have a baby

I begged and told Heavenly Father I'd do anything to have a baby

I knew I was supposed to have a baby no matter what I was told

I "saw (twice) and heard (once)" my son before he was conceived. 

I went through medical and emotional hell for years before I finally became pregnant.

When I had all but given up hope, a miracle happened.

Three weeks before my scheduled Hysterectomy I found out I was pregnant.  The weight that had been on my shoulders for years about having another baby disappeared and I knew our family was complete.

At 5 weeks, the hyperemesis started

At 7 weeks I started bleeding with a Subchorionic Hematoma- a tear on my uterus

I went on bedrest for pretty much the duration of the pregnancy

At 16 weeks they found a Placenta Previa, but they also found out I was having a boy.

At 22ish weeks I was told that I had Adenomyosis and that something was wrong with the baby, probably Down Syndrome

I decided that if my baby had something wrong, that would be okay.  It was this specific boy I wanted, not necessarily a "perfect" baby.

At 29 weeks I had pre-term labor

I was anemic.

Every day for my entire pregnancy I had to get very painful shots in my belly for a blood-clotting disorder and poor Doug had to give them to me!

Every day I cried.

I had the most dedicated mother-in-law anyone has ever known who saved my life every day.

I had Doug and the girls, my Hailey and my Libby, by my side. 

I had the prayers of my Mother and my Brothers though they weren't here.

My mom made many trips to visit.

My ward brought meals twice a week for 2 months.  They gave me shots when Doug was gone.  They gave me home and visiting teachers who were the most dedicated people.

Then it was time.

I had a baby.

I almost bled out.

I got an infection.

I almost died again.

I was without my baby the first days of his life.

God took me at my word.  I said that I would do anything to have a baby.  And I did.  I did all that I was asked.  Sometimes not with Grace.  Sometimes not with Patience.  But I did the best that I knew how.

I lived through it all and I have my whole family with me. 

God is good.

In one of the Priesthood Blessings I had during my pregnancy, I was promised that this baby would be "The fulfillment of my Heart's Desires." 

And, he is.

He really is.

**It's taken me three months to write this blog.  My little baby is now three months old!  He's sleeping here beside me...almost time for him to eat.  And the little baby that had blood sugar issues and left the hospital at barely 5 lbs?  He's a chunk!  Fits in 6 month clothes.  And we are so happy.  God is so, so good.