Time...Detours...Life's Purpose.

In my youth I thought I could do anything. Time stretched itself before me; a never ending road of possibilities.

A couple of years ago I read an article. Its point was that if you read one book a week starting at age 21, you will be able to read 3200 books in your lifetime. 3200. A finite number. Suddenly everything I read became of great value to me. My book choices started to change. Everything I read now goes through the "Do I really want this to be one of the 3200?" filter.

I love cookbooks. And tonight as I put one back on my shelf I thought, "Wow, in my whole lifetime I will never make every recipe on this shelf." Finite.

Then I hefted my seven year old into her bed and I thought that it seems like last week that I watched her sleep with her arms above her head in her bassinet. My time with my children in my home is finite.

Finite. Fin. With Conclusion. End.

And so it begs the question,

Who do I want to be and what should I do with my life?

At Education Week (more on that to come) I made a list in my journal of some of the things that I want to do and be right now. I knew even before I started that my problem isn't finding something that interests me. I am much too passionate about everything in life. Seriously, if someone came to me and told me how great it was to yodel, I could probably become passionate about it. I have $45.00 of knitting supplies and a dish-rag that's been "almost done" for a year gathering dust and proving my point. I was really passionate about that knitting for a good solid week. But what am I for real...who am I...what do I want to give my life to? (It should be said here that I am talking of my own little life as an individual person. It goes without saying that my number one life's devotion will always be to God, my husband and children.)

I read Julia Child's memoir, "My Life In France." Julia was totally devoted to cooking. It made her get up in the morning. Her entire world revolved around this passion. Before you go judging her life's work as shallow, think of all Julia Child's passion has done for the world! Have you ever watched the food network? Thank Julia Child. And believe me, if you ever tried Julia Child's Bavarian creme you too would rise and begin to sing (or yodel) in Ecstasy for this woman's gifts.

My friend Christie (Morgan) has dedicated her life to the pursuit of the eradication of hunger throughout the world. A worthy passion. Something most certainly worthy of the devotion of one's life. She makes me cry with her commitment and when I hear her speak, I KNOW that she will change the world.

But as far as I go, I don't know what to do. In a subsequent post, I will include my list. It's daunting. I feel so disjointed. My intense passion is spread among so many things. It's spread so thin; so, so thin. This spreads me thin. And I get nothing done (but lots of things partially done) and I feel like a constant failure.

I hunger for life experience. I yearn to do everything. To taste the sweetness of it all. But like books, and recipes, and raising my children, the days are not endless. The road has a most definite end. And I feel like I'm missing out on "my" road by all of the detours. The problem is, I don't know which of them is my road. And really, will someone tell me how to say no to a detour? They're all so lovely.